Brutality

The beatings,
happening so regularly
they become
a routine part
of your existence.
Sometimes
just a slap
in the face.
At other times
with a brutality
that leaves you
lying on the floor,
motionless.
This shock,
when in your childhood world
you are playing,
skipping along,
and all of a sudden
without a warning
the bomb

goes off.
The first few times,
you are just shocked.
How long

does it take you
to become weary

of your environment?
Constantly being on the alert
monitoring your surroundings
for the next
explosion.
You need safety and predictability.

You hope

for love and warmth.
You find yourself
right at the center
of a

civil war battlefield.
Being an innocent little child.

Feel like smashing up the world today?
This is what you learned:
You feel bad?
You take it out on the environment!
No matter the consequences.
Welcome

to the never ending

nightmare...

**************************************
Nothingness
(originally named Suicide)

The hills fade away
the path getting flat
the surroundings bleak
the mind in despair.
Filled
with self disgust.
Normalcy -
craved but so unattainable.
Why?
The unhappy childhood?
The trauma?
The abuse?
The accidents?
Toxins in the water?
Some ancient curse?
Or is it, indeed, all my fault?
That I do not get things together.
That I do not manage
to lead a normal life.
Self-doubt
Self mutilation
The brutality that was once experienced -
now internalized.
Clinging to me like a fish hook
that is deeply embedded in my flesh.
Where, oh where is relief?
Where is peace?
How comforting it would be
to fade away
into sweet nothingness.