Self-Sabotage

How do I personally sabotage myself?
Distraction?
Procrastination?
Feeling bad?
Having a mind commentary that tells me I am too stupid anyway?
Are there what IFS would call protectors that keep me from putting myself out there with my work?
Parts that mean well and want to protect me, but do not know how old I am and that the old threats and the persons attacking me have long ago departed from my life. Some of them left the earth.

What does keep me from doing the things I love? Getting ill? Is that a defense rather than a random thing happening to me and putting me out of business? I always seem to be able to work somehow, but only if the work is real work. That means not much fun involved.

No conclusion here, just a lot of open questions.

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Was my younger self allowed to mourn?

The crying
still stuck in my throat.
The tears
never shed.
The brutality of my environment
a constant threat
to any
emotion
that was shown.

The tragedy of it all.
Why do we rather risk all kinds of illness
due to the tension

becoming unbearable,
rather then show it to the world:
Show the hurt,
show the trauma,
show the sadness,
the grief.
Show the loneliness
and the longing.
Show the love that is there, too.
Do we
throw out
the baby
with the bath water?